Dear Jihadists
It has come to my attention that you are planning an attack on our country. Now, I am not sure when was the last time you picked up a newspaper, but I think it’s a little late for an ambush. 27 years late, to be precise.
You see, a quarter of a century ago the African National Congress (ANC or commies for short) took over South Africa, and boy oh boy, did they do a number on the country. So to bring terror and wreak havoc in South Africa now is a little like deciding to bomb Poland on 5 September 1939; someone’s already beaten you to it.
Aside from the fact that our country is already in the hands of commies, it would be hardly worth applauding if you further ruined this land. No one on your local terrorist committee will be impressed if you tell them you launched an attack against South Africa. You can’t run the risk that they’re readers. In which case they’ll promptly tell you the country’s morale was already in the doldrums, so you did us a favour by offering a quick beheading.
Last year your ISIS brothers from a different mother, or was it cousin, warned South Africa not to get involved in the usurping of northern Mozambique. We listened, didn’t we? Fine, to be fair that was partly because the few fighter jets we have are confined to an airport hanger collecting dust. Apparently, they were last serviced when Mbeki was president. Knowing South Africans, it’s likely that we left those servicing manuals in Sweden. The other issue is that no one in the country has mathematics marks high enough to pilot the jets.
What about the submarines, you may ask? Well, turns out the ones we have are baking in the sun at some dock. A boat parked on land is as good as a plane at the bottom of the ocean, they say.
Don’t even get me started on the police. Hypertensive and swelling faster than dough left in the sun, they’re pretty much useless beyond arresting toddlers on the beach without face-masks.
Even though our military system has been transformed the ANC way, I still see no reason you’d want to launch an attack on us. You may not know this but you share similarities with us. Like you, dear spillers of blood, our country’s leaders are no strangers to bombings. In 1983 the ANC detonated a car bomb that killed 19 people and injured 217 others. The perpetrators also died in the bombing but I suspect that was negligence and not because they were hurrying to paradise. The ANC’s reasons for the bombings were valid, just as yours are. You seek religious domination and punishment of those who won’t conform to your ways, meanwhile our chaps in Parly did it to pave the way to cronyism and tenderpreneurship.
Something else you may not know about our country is that we also feel affectionate to genocidal maniacs. Seven years ago Omar Al Bashir, the Sudanese politician and war thug responsible for the deaths of approximately 400 000 people, visited us in South Africa. We even defied Interpol by sneaking him out of the country, allowing him a safe exit. That one came and bit us in the butt because now we need the same Interpol we defied to assist in bringing back a family who ran away with all of our money, but that’s a story for another day.
And who can deny our unwavering support for Palestine against Israel in the conflict that has been raging since the beginning of time. Is this starting to make a bit more sense?
If, however, you are adamant that you want to follow through with the attacks, I feel it is my responsibility to caution you on a few matters. Our country is skilled in the art of crime. So much so that we boast a murder rate of more than 60 people per day. Did you know when America went into Iraq and killed your people because they were looking for oil terrorists, the daily death toll still didn’t come anywhere near our impressive stats? Equally adept at swinging baseball bats it turns out are the Phoenix residents in the province of KwaZulu Natal.
Your real enemies, dear Jihadists, are those pesky Americans who make it their business to meddle in everyone else’s affairs. With their secular societies, first world facilities and world class buildings, they seem to make your Bronze Age thinking and lifestyles look silly. However, in the event that you attack South Africa and decide to visit the little village of Nkandla in KZN, I must warn you, don’t expect to find a virgin in a 20 kilometre radius.